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Angelus's Journal


Angelus's Journal

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36 entries this month
 

appreciation.

15:17 Sep 30 2007
Times Read: 1,097


I'm currently getting ready to go out to my friends, who downloads stuff for me.. after having my arm down a hole, to turn a tap off.. for my Father.. and he was pleased I could do it, when the tool he'd made couldn't.



after fory odd years, I've found a way to get his appreciation.


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Addenda on Acquisition

12:43 Sep 28 2007
Times Read: 1,100


To write objectively of a thing is one thing. Yet, after a drought and a long spell without, I was able to make a purchase; and this time I was able to acquire, the green, not solid. It had felt good it had been, to feel real, in a world of plastic, unreal. And afterward, on the way home, wrote some creative prose.

I find that once acquired; that feeling produced, is as personal as it is; and should not be written of objectively, but rather enjoyed for that moment of now; not explained away with a mere mouthful of words.

Yet, here I’m make such an attempt, at writing of my own experience.


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so relaxed..

01:00 Sep 28 2007
Times Read: 1,103


The voluntary work I do is the most selfish thing I do.. I always feel so relaxed after a good night like tonight...


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That just hadn’t seemed right.

14:19 Sep 26 2007
Times Read: 1,115


I’m blaming the bright silvery moon and not the conversation I had awhile back, with a friend here, who doesn’t rate herself as I rate her: or, the news I had watched out the way through to the backroom, where the large machine waited for use, after the Dell laptop had acquired its updates and annoyed Yahoo messenger with the change of IP

As I’d passed through, there was apiece on Darfur and the recent storms there and the decimation its reined on its people; people still ravaged by war: and then straight after that the newsreader continued in his sonorous tone, about the latest thing, designed to improve computer gaming. That just hadn’t seemed right.



I’m blaming the bright silvery moon, high in a dark blue sky.


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I'm so-pleased with it!!

16:49 Sep 25 2007
Times Read: 1,123


Later, you'll see what I spent a sunny day tidying.

It'll be up on my profile!

But, wow, my neck, back and eyes are killing me now!!


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“You Were Always On My Mind”

23:14 Sep 23 2007
Times Read: 1,146


It’s strange how conversations, or songs can effect you: The other week I’d been on the way to voluntary work, when I’d seen someone who looked like ‘Her’, walking ahead of me, on the other side of the road. I’d crossed and followed and followed, on instinct, only later, realising how foolish I’d been.

Both of my fiancée had been sexually abused by relatives; yet it had been the second of the two who had said, “Trust me, I’m not like all the others.”

In my eyes, she had abused me with her actions, as she had done as she had.

Yet, she had opened me up, in every way a person can, for someone they Love; then had cast me aside, in favour of ‘the latest model.’

But, even now, she’s there, everywhere I look: and this obsession of mine, mostly under control, repulses me.

I’m not comfortable feeling as I do, about someone who cared so little for me that they’d betray me in a way so similar to the first fiancée, who’s now married to my ex-best friend. ‘They’ say, “Get over it”, in the manner of one who knows.

But Carl Rogers, the noted author and father of modern-day counselling, was wrong: words don’t say why you feel as you do, just what you feel. Yet it occurs to me, Cognitive Therapy may work for some: but, not for the poor benighted souls who are aware of ‘the tricks of the trade,’


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I read a maudlin piece of poetry, about a cheat.

16:17 Sep 22 2007
Times Read: 1,180


It's sunny and I'm inside. I'd waited for John to arrive and when he didn't, I didn't get "bored,"

but I did get creative..



http://www.dailymotion.com/group/29071/video/5101613



I read a maudlin piece of poetry, about a cheat.





http://www.dailymotion.com/kendrix47/video/x31c6u_emergence_webcam



I read a short story about a vampire.





http://www.dailymotion.com/kendrix47/video/5102377





A House Called Nowhere-A Short Story





You might even find a video there of Raby Mere:

'my peaceful place.'


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..an answer to optimism.

17:39 Sep 21 2007
Times Read: 1,189


I believed her when she said 'things would be different.'

I believed her when she said I could trust her.

Now.. I don't take anything for granted.

But, I don't make promises I can't keep either.

The last fiancee was wrong, to do as she did.

And she has got away with it, furthering her career, as a counsellor, in pretty well the same manner.

The first fiancee I can understand.

She turned to my best friend, as I was't mature enough to deal with all I'd learnt.

The second, turned me off women for years, by being who she was.. an abused woman, turned abuser.


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some jobs..

15:53 Sep 21 2007
Times Read: 1,192


It was raining hard when I looked out. So I watched ‘Sharp’ and wondered when it’d stop. When my parents got back from shopping, he hadn’t brought the car in, choosing to leave it out. That meant that after shopping and lunch, he was going somewhere. The “somewhere” was the dentists, as my Mother currently had a shard, where a tooth should be. After their lunch, he was wiping the car down, so obviously the rain had stopped. That’d mean time for “my chore.”

I helped my Ma on with a cardigan and she followed me out to the back, as I carried a clear plastic container and the kitchen scissors.

Then I’d cut off the ripe tomatoes, as requested, thoroughly rapt by the smell of the tomatoes on the plant, a strong fresh smell fresh, after the rain. Next we’d moved on to check the small greenhouses attached to the back of the garage. I’d cut a few off there and the chore was complete.

Now, some jobs you don’t mind doing.


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Just in case...

00:08 Sep 21 2007
Times Read: 1,196


I saw someone walking up the hill toward the church, with hair, like hair, a walk, like her; and, skin colour, as dark as hers.

And though a small voice screamed out at me, "Don't go that way" I had.



Just in case, it had been 'her.'


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...a meaningful walk.

14:14 Sep 20 2007
Times Read: 1,203


Why are you still scared about taking a chance, someone asked me reasonably.



Well,’ I’d replied, ‘I can still approach anyone anywhere though. I just don't have the money to go where today’s women want to go?? Or buy them what they want.’





She had talked of women, who might like to talk, over tea, or go for a meaningful walk.

I find there are few women Now, who think like that. They're aspirations are greater than that.


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..the recovery rate

13:52 Sep 20 2007
Times Read: 1,205


I am recovering slowly, from a good evening with friends.. and thinking of geting ready for voluntary work.. it seems my friend who is dying of pancreatic cancer has been able to return home: and he's smiling.



I just wish it was only weeks they'll have together.


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Ain't it weird ..?

22:52 Sep 18 2007
Times Read: 1,223


hmm.. just been crying, at the idea I'll never be a Father. Ain't it weird the thing's you think of??


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As I write..

17:14 Sep 18 2007
Times Read: 1,229


As I write I’m feeling more relaxed, than I have of late. Although that could be down to the hard work of the day, cleaning windows and edging lawns on a sunny chilly day.


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...and, so many don't!!

00:20 Sep 17 2007
Times Read: 1,235


I've been reading Lolitamaries journal.

She knows as much about Politics as my Dad!

Oh-wow I wish more were like her!

She actually wants to know about the world around her, when so many don't!!


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To Have, or Have Not

02:02 Sep 16 2007
Times Read: 1,239




When you hear that someone you know has weeks to live, your perception on life changes a little. Not a lot.

But, it changes it enough so that the day after a bad evening, you start seeing good things in pretty well everything… not everything… I don’t think I’ll ever be that optimistic… Yet, there had been a phone-call, “I’ve found your tin.”

There had also been an explanation, “You didn’t say it wasn’t your tobacco tin you’d lost. If you had, I’d have known what to look for…”

And perhaps I’m overly cynical, but I think there’s aback story to its find that I don’t know of… a bit like I the story of the couch, from last night: now, I don’t know whether I’ll ever know anything. Just before I was given a lift to Charing Cross, we’d building and chatting, as you do, when I noticed the couch depress as if by a bottom, to the left of the person I’d been talking to. We put it down to the fact that we’d been talking about Aleister Crowley. Now I’m not sure about that, but it is true to say that the depression took place just as we had finished talking about the man who labelled himself, ‘the most evil man alive.’

As it was, once I recovered from ‘fluffy-head’ syndrome at about 12:30 p.m., with synapses working as they should, I was lucky enough to have one of my all-time favourite movies of all time to watch, ‘To Have, or Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.



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weeks to live..

01:08 Sep 15 2007
Times Read: 1,248


During the evening, everyone had a tale of woe.. and mine was supplanted by a friends friend dying of cancer. He has weeks to live: got married a week ago, in hospital.



He's a nice fellow.



I was shown a newspaper picture of them in hospital, just after the cermony.



It was the fellow I recalled, and so thin.


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I feel shit!

00:13 Sep 15 2007
Times Read: 1,251


I got some good pot lost some not so good pot.

or, had it stolen..



..and yesterday's entry explains why I feel shit!



I'm just annoyed: what I lost wasn't a bad smoke:and I don't like to think of a friend having stolen from me...





It is the way it is.. just sometimes, I do wish it wan't!


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How life wrings changes?

14:04 Sep 14 2007
Times Read: 1,265


I was pleased Friday the fourteenth was a fluffy blue-sky day, as the evening of Thursday the thirteenth was not one of my “better evening’s” on the project.

Initially, there had been a downbeat air, as Roger, the team-leaders Mother who died recently was to be cremated the Friday.

Then, I’d been initially apprehensive because of the raucous voices outside the doors, which suggested more than a few heavy drinkers.

As it happens, they’d listened to my call for quiet, for a while, yet had returned to a somewhat boisterous manner by the time we opened the doors to serve the meal.

Busy as we had been, it’d been alright: and then Dave, a fellow whose face I know well had waited till we were quieter and passed me a newspaper cutting.

In the article there was a story about a homeless fellow who’d been kicked to death as he lay in a shop doorway several weeks prior, by some teenagers, accompanied by a photograph of the fellow.

I’d recalled his face, from the project. He’d been a customer of ours.

It transpires that as little as five years ago he’d been a successful taxi-driver.

How life wrings changes?


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Thursday

13:06 Sep 13 2007
Times Read: 1,274


Off to physio soon.. then the walk back from hospital, on a pleasant day.. then off to voluntary work: and I do hope the evening goes well!


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If I can’t see you...

23:24 Sep 12 2007
Times Read: 1,279


As I had approached the gates to the doctor’s practice I spied to my left, a grey squirrel on the grass to my left, with a nut in its paws, as it gnawed away on a sunny blue-day afternoon.

It had just peered at me warily, without moving, as I’d taken its picture, only to move as I had and hidden itself, behind a nearby tree, peering out briefly from behind the tree, as if to say,

“If I can’t see you, you can’t see me!”


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‘what don’t you want to hear?

23:57 Sep 11 2007
Times Read: 1,300


It strikes me that there are a couple of reasons for blocking someone.

Someone may be if irritating, or abusive: or, you might decide that you don’t want to hear what he or she have to say.



In that case, it might be fair to ask oneself, ‘what don’t you want to hear?’


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'..how people listen'

16:40 Sep 11 2007
Times Read: 1,304


Ever since the disappearance from my life of the Lady from Colarado, who’d I’d thought was ever so-nice to me about the Lady Wordsmith who blocked me, I’ve considered thoughtfully on how people listen, or to be more precise, choose not to, for the sake of convenience. And it occurs to me, that on the whole, many only listen to themselves. And on occasion, it’s with shame, that I’ll admit I fit in that category: for example, that someone who sees the terrific uses of MySpace, without seeing it’s downfalls, when I only ever saw those.


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"flummoxed"

23:50 Sep 10 2007
Times Read: 1,309


I’m flummoxed by those, who choose to understand fine words: whilst failing to see the obvious, that ‘to err is human.’



My world was full of people who had portrayed themselves as something more than they are, from ex-fiancées/notice, plural, who cheated; to bosses who promised a future, before unemployment found me again, after I was no longer useful (after signing the official secrets act – when I couldn’t, I’m told.)



All in all, I’ll say one thing about Life, “trust is implicit in one’s experience, until one is betrayed, yet again.” And once betrayed, your taste for that intimacy is jaundiced.



I say this, as I learn to trust again. Hey, maybe, just oneday.. I’ll have a relationship again. Y’never know!?!


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a world of innocence

23:40 Sep 10 2007
Times Read: 1,311


I’ve just been watchin a documentary about comics.. it'd taken me back in time about forty odd years!

It was most interesting, to be reminded about those halcyon moments of childhood, when trust is implicit in a world of innocence.


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...I’ve taken the time to do it properly.

16:43 Sep 10 2007
Times Read: 1,319


Over the last few weeks I’ve learnt to find it interesting when someone rates my profile low, especially when they leave a message to say, ‘they’ll come back to re-rate it when there’s something more there.’

Their rating and sometimes, derisory comments, just serve to illustrate that they haven’t bothered to read it; or suggests they’re part of that which I’ve that which I’d chosen to write of on my profile.

My work is contained within my stories, poetry and through the portfolio, my imagery, photo’s and drawings. Yet, my Profile gives the reader an idea of my thoughts and those of others, who interest me.

I don’t need or intend to impress, with flashy images. I draw my own imagery and take my own pictures: the only pictures on my profile belong to me, or those I admire; or to perhaps convey an interest of mine.

If someone chooses to represent himself or herself through someone else’s pictures that is their business: but what does it say, of them?

As for myself? Well rate me low and I’ll probably message you, curious to see if you read what I wrote and then, I’ll rate you a ten, as it’s obviously important, to you.

That said, I don’t want to denigrate ‘the system’: but, I do so dislike some of the cliques here and attitude of some people here, that has led to upset for more than a few people I know of and care for. And for what ~ the ratings game?

To quote Shania Twain: “It don’t impress me much.”

When I read a profile, I read it wholly, then rate and say what I’d liked about it; often, going onto the portfolio, if there is one: and then, the journal.

To reiterate, what does a glitzy profile tell me about someone? Very little.

Their thoughts and creative outlet can do so though, which is why I’ve chosen to rate as I do so. After all, I want to know something of the person behind the profile I’ve just rated. And although I warrant that I my way of doing things means that I don’t rate as many profiles as some people, if I rate you then you can guarantee I’ve taken the time to do it properly.





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"eating my faggots" ~ a misunderstanding.

00:49 Sep 10 2007
Times Read: 1,336


I'd told someone I like talking with here that I wa off to eat soon and was looking forward to eating my faggots. Well, needless to say.. I'd said the wrong thing: so had to explain myself.

A faggot, as long as I've known, is a West Country dish, a savoury meatball, served in a rich onion gravy.

And the firm that that make them commercially, are called Brains. So, when you go to buy them, from the cooler section, you're buying Brains Faggots, to eat.

Although, nice as they are ~ and they are ~ the faggots my parents eat at a local restaurant, wrapped in bacon, which they occasionally bring home in a doggy-bag, really taste oh-so-good!


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why oh why..

15:07 Sep 09 2007
Times Read: 1,340


I miss someone from VR, from Colarado, who talked of friendship; and showed it, for awhile.

Then, insisted, her way was the only way..

..and any other, just couldn't be right.



Why-oh-why can't people do for others, just what rthey expect?


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My name is..

23:24 Sep 07 2007
Times Read: 1,351


"You're both sweet hearts and I really appreciate what you did

and just to let know you know. She totaly loved them... She was absolutlly thrilled ;D"



said she, after a friend and myself did a favour for someone.



So I had replied, "Earl would be proud of us.. while Randy would wonder what I was talking about.. and Joy would just smile, wonder what the hell was going on, then run, from the law!"



"My Name Is Neil!"


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Thursday Night

11:33 Sep 07 2007
Times Read: 1,358


This Thursday was a good night for me on the project.

It was better than the chaos of last week and I’d needed that.

We’d even finished just before eight, much to Lily’s delight and our pleasure.


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Thursday

16:11 Sep 06 2007
Times Read: 1,365


It's sunny; and, the windows are clean.

The lawn is edged and it’s off to voluntary work soon.

I do hope it’s more peaceable than last week!



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That’d been oh-so frustrating.

12:41 Sep 04 2007
Times Read: 1,382


Towards the end of the day, I’d logged onto VR, to find 63 messages waiting for me.

It’d been a surprise, but a pleasant one, as it inferred people wanted to communicate with me. I just wish I’d had more time to answer each, more fully than I had.

But, it’d been a long day and I’d tried to answer each one and still hadn’t had the chance to write of the day.

I’d slept little on Sunday, nervous of being a witness in court, a place I’d remembered so badly. Yet the Monday morning started well, with my Father telling me he’d heard my ‘Raby Mere’ poem being read on the radio the day previous: while I’d been at Karl’s. That’d put a smile on my face, as I’d got ready to go out.

‘Getting ready’ had taken me nearly two hours, just to get my ‘look’ to my liking.

Then I’d left the house, that’d turned to sun by the time I’d reached the ‘Pool.

I’d passed security, causing a wry smile with my tobacco tin and it’s backup in my bag that had also contained a flask of coffee and a bottle of juice, laced with painkiller ‘just in case.’

One of the fellow’s who’d followed in the queue had caused a problem, saying that he wanted the bollards down, quite loudly. When the security guard tried to remonstrate with him, the fellow had stormed off. The security guard had turned to a policeman and asked, ‘why do they think they can do that?’

I’d walked away towards reception, muttering with a smile, “Coz they’re suits.”

When I’d asked at reception where the witnesses went, we’d been told, to sit ‘there.’

‘There’ had been behind a screen to the right of reception, behind security.

So I’d gone to sit down, with several others to join a few people on chairs and then others had followed, all of them having to stand.

Eventually a member of the witness care unit joined us, to take us upstairs.

After a wait, several of the witnesses for ‘our case’ were sent home, as prosecution and defence had decided to accept their evidence. Unfortunately, they hadn’t sent me, or my former work colleague’s home as well.

Eventually one of us went in, just prior to ‘lunch.’

So, I’d gone a walk on a sunny day, down by the riverfront, on a sunny day.

Unfortunately, like the rest of Liverpool right now, the riverfront is a building-site in preparation for 2008 and ‘the capital Of Culture.’

So, I’d walked on, until I’d found a quiet place to sit and read my ‘new’ book, ‘The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy.’

Reading the book, on a sunny day was both a good idea: and, a bad idea, for I’d lost track of time, far too easily.

All too soon, I’d looked up and asked a couple of passing women, “What time is it?”

“Five to two,” I’d been informed.

That hadn’t been good.

I’d had to be back in court for two-fifteen, so I’d walked back, fast.

I’d been in time, just: then after awhile, I’d been third in, to give evidence.

And then, there’s been a ‘problem’…

It’d transpired that the case had died on its feet, in part thanks to the honest evidence given by the preceding two people. Both of them had given the defence the ‘in road’ they’d needed: and as it transpires, the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) shouldn’t have brought the case to court. I’d been livid.

It’d been accepted, the audit book I’d instigated had been a good idea, yet this fellow had abused it, used my colleagues and he walked, with a probable smile on his face.

That’d been oh-so frustrating.

And that brings me back to opening up Vampirerave and finding 63 messages and not having the time to answer each fully.

That’d also been oh-so frustrating!


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I don't wanna go.

22:20 Sep 02 2007
Times Read: 1,396




I am one of five witnesses in a court case, starting tomorrow, with people I used to work with. It all stems from when I worked in IT within the Health Service in Liverpool.

I'm crappin it with nerves.



The last time I was there they put me in gaol, for selling cannabis.

try being an ex-policeman in there.. people keep trying to kill you.

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So..

17:53 Sep 01 2007
Times Read: 1,399


I woke with a moderately fluffy head at 1:30 pm

I never, never, get up that late..



..yet, I had a good night. So..


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..tonight.

01:39 Sep 01 2007
Times Read: 1,175


I don't eat too often. I did.

I don't frink too often.

I did.

and thankfully...

I just made the last train home.


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..me and a story.

00:46 Sep 01 2007
Times Read: 1,155


I sent off the the synopsis of a story, 'gabriel:' aye, although I was told tonight it wasn't the apprpriate way to do i. So, F**k it!. Like why do I write? To be famous? NO? I had a go.. an if it goes nowhere, fine.

It's a good piece and I know it.


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